I had always had a "connection" to the earth. I had grown up thinking it was something in my blood. I am vaguely an american indian. I couldn't research that history much. All I was ever told is that the tribe I come from is the White Foot Indian Tribe. Whether or not there still is a tribe somewhere, I haven't the foggiest clue. I googled it once, and got zilch. Anywho, that is where I thought I got it... That warm and relaxing feeling when I walk on grass barefoot, or even rocks. It's hard to explain. It's a very grounding feeling. I wonder if it's similar to that feeling people say they have when they join the church. Not just become a member, but become a preist or nun. They say they "got the call". And I can't help but wonder if it's a similar feeling and sensation.
In 2003, I got married. It was a marriage I knew i wouldn't want to be in forever, but I fully expected to see it through. Yeah, didn't happen. But one afternoon I was flipping through the channels on the tv and saw the title "Practical Magic". I saw it had Sandra Bullock in it and I love her, so I watched it. It gave me a look at real witches. Well, minus all the hocus pocus of hollywood. They referred to something called "The Craft". This made me think of a movie I already owned called "The Craft". Of course, what that movie had in it wasn't anything I wanted to get into. It was a very negative look at the whole thing, however I still loved the movie. I ended up going online and searching "The Craft" for any info I could on the real Craft, that wasn't overflowing in Hollywood crap.
I saw a link to Barnes and Noble website for a book titled The Craft by Dorothy Morrison. Then that lead me to their entire library of Pagan and Wiccan books. I purchased The Craft and began my research into what seemed to be a religion I might be able to finally agree with.
I was getting into Wicca. I really liked it. I agreed with everything! A Goddess and a God! All the energies, etc... I love it all and couldn't wait to learn more!
Then in April of 2004, I had a tubal pregnancy. Long story short, it almost killed me. They told me in the hospital that even though I was already hooked up to IV's and such, they couldn't promise they could save me if it ruptured even though I was already in the ER. They wasted to time getting me into surgery. Right when they had almost everything in place, it finally ruptured sending large amounts of blood throughout my abdomen. But because they already had most of their equipment hooked up and ready to go, it was no problem. While waiting around for the surgery, I was perfectly calm. I wasn't paniced. I was doing just fine.
After the surgery, I thought I should give this god thing a real shot. Maybe church really was for me and I was just too blind or stubborn to know it! So I tried it for a year. I attended church every other Sunday (the Sundays I didn't work). I even helped with vacation bible school that year. But I could never get that warm and relaxing feeling I got from Wicca. I have found that most people find a comfort in God. I didn't. I just felt down right silly for being there. And me being there trying to make it "work" just made me feel like a giant fraud. So I made excuses for a while to my mother as to why I couldn't go. Then I quit all together.
So, I went back to the only thing I had found thus far that I did agree with, Wicca/Paganism. I tried to learn as much as possible, and searched the internet in depth. One of the first websites I found was Witchvox. On that site is where I found the location for our local metaphysical shop, which happened to be right down the street from me!! How did I never notice that before?
The next thing I found was WitchSchool! This is a website that has classes! Real classes! I can take them onlnie at my own pace! YAY! So I dove in head first and emmersed myself with everything WitchSchool could teach me! At this time I had a Basic (free) Membership, but I am not a life time memeber. Eventually I came across a class that would teach me how to make my wand (Wand 101 I believe it was called). Soon after, I had my wand that I made from a stick on the ground. I had never made anything. I'm not really arty.
From there, I learned everything from basic knowledge and history to how to conduct my own rituals. I am pretty good at observing the full moon and new moon every month. I've only half way observed the sabbats though. :-( This is one of my main goals. To go deeper into my spirituality and learn more. To observe the sabbats and esbats regularly. I will also be learning more from different books, and from WitchSchool. Other goals include staying up to date on Pagan news and issues, and I REALLY REALLY want to attend the St. Louis Pagan Picnic next June!
This is the next chapter of my journey...
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