Tonight I went to Terri's dance studio for a Winter Solstice gathering. It was really great! Ruthie and another lady I didn't catch the name of lead all, maybe, 20 people in a guided meditation. Together, they took us through the darkness of our darkest secrets and bad feelings. We stepped through the darkness and ended up in muck and sludge up to our ankles. This sludge was our regreats, emotional baggage, etc... It was everything we needed to let go of.
The meditation went on... Ruthie and the other lady saying "What good has this stuff brought you?" "Is it worth it?" "All those negative thoughts; every time you've told yourself how stupid you are, or tell yourself how awful you are; every time you beat yourself up... Is it worth it? Does it solve anything?" This all sounded so familiar to me. I've done nothing but beat the absolute shit out of myself for months. None of it was worth it. None of it solved a damn thing. NONE OF IT WAS HELPFUL TO ME.
So, Ruthie and the other lady lead us out of the muck and to the fire. The fire had within it our futures. Everything I want to be. Everything I want out of life. Then they asked, "What's holding you back from getting all of these things?" I immediately thought, "Well fear of course!" But that wasn't good enough. I didn't "feel" that was the answer. So I dug deeper. What was wrong with me? What is it that I need to let go of in order to move on? Eventually I realized it was self-doubt and self-pity. Lately, with everything that has been happening in my life, I've been pitying myself. I didn't completely realize it until now. GOD, I LOVE WHAT MEDITATING CAN DO!!! So that was one thing I needed to let go of.
Then there is the self doubt. For as long as I can remember, I've doubted myself about everything I've done, and everything I've thought of doing. I feel I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough for my son, I'm not good enough for my amazing boyfriend, I'm not a good enough person in general. I'm not a good enough pharmacy technician, I'm not a good enough daughter, sister, etc... The only time I've EVER thought I was good enough was when I was on a stage dancing with my sisters. When I had the sound of drums playing, and the sound of our zills flowing through my head. I felt I belonged; I was good enough. Even when I messed up, I forgave myself. I never just forgive myself for anything. As a dancer, I functioned like a normal person. Quitting the one things I felt I've ever done right was the hardest thing I've ever done. When people ask me about quitting, I just say "I didn't have the money, I didn't have the time, etc..." I keep it simple and to the point because describing any more will make me cry.
Anywho, I don't trust myself to do a damn thing correctly. And that is something I need to change. I don't know how yet. But I have to figure that out. And I have to get back into dancing. Next month, I take my classes for pharmacy technician, and I will get certified soon after. Then I'm going to start looking for a new job. In the meantime, I will dance to Kajira's DVD's and keep the moves on my body. That was a pretty big confidence builder for me. I have to find a way to build that confidence in other areas of my life.
Then there is also fear. Because of my lack of confidence, I fear almost every thing. I fear my boyfriend will leave me. Not because he will cheat on me, but because I'm just not good enough. I fear I'm going to royally mess up my son. Like he will become another victim of "a child of a single mother". All because I'm just not good enough. I've never been good enough and I don't know how to change that mind set.
But there is no how. All there is, is letting it go. Once I got to the fire and saw what I wanted, I continued on my path until I came to a crossroads. Blocking my path was Death. In Paganism, Death is a good thing. Not something to be feared. In order to continue along my path, I had to give Death a gift... a piece of myself. I gave death my fear, self pity and self doubt. Death gladly took those things that I do not want. Those things that do not serve me. Once tI gave Death those gifts, only then could I pass on from the darkness into the light. We then lit candles to signify what we had let go of, what we had accomplished. We were told to burn our candles all the way down once we got home. My candle is sitting in front of me on my dresser as I type this. It is my reminder of what a lost tonight. What I let go of in order to see the light.
After the meditation, we ate snacks and talked with one another for a while, until every one had left. I helped take down tables and pack stuff up, then I myself left. It was a good night. We all agreed we needed to have more gatherings like this. And I really hope we do.
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